I hate these limitations that became my life.
How is THAT what life is supposed to be? Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m doing here? What am I here for?
People keep telling that I am here to do what I want to do. I can shape my life into whatever I like. I can do whatever I want!
But I never feel that way…
I never feel like I can do anything I want. There are all these people who seem to know and then tell me continuously about what I am supposed to do instead. All these voices in my head.
How can I block them out again?
And why did I let them in in the first place?
I hate these voices…
I wonder if I lost myself. I lost myself in the perception of others. Sometimes, I joke about it. I tell my friends that there is no real secret to being empathetic, all you need to do is to fully forget about yourself. But even forget is too little. The solution is full self-sacrifice.
The whole thing is so dumb.
I sit and work my job, just to realize how I lose my will to live. The longer I sit in front of this stupid ass screen doing repetitive and in the end meaningless tasks the more I wonder, don’t I have anything better to do with my time?
And the answer is YES, OF COURSE, PLENTY!
But then I shy away from it anyways, because who dares to go out and do what they want to do really? Only so few manage to pull that magic trick off.
At least it feels like magic to me at times.
All the time?
Sometimes, I pray to God and beg him to give me the strength to block out all this nasty noise. There is so much static and noise going on in my mind. Constantly, never-ending.
Will it ever get quiet again?
How am I even supposed to hear my own thoughts when there are so many more shouting over it? Can’t I just tune it down a bit?
The more people I am surrounded by the louder these voices get. It’s so rare I find a special human being that I finally can be at ease with. Someone who shoothes the voices in my head.
I sound like a maniac…
Other times, I sit in front of the bed on the floor and write on a small piece of paper what I want out of life. Barely anything comes to mind at first.
I have to sit in silence for a long time before the first impulses arise from within. Like a shy deer they first have to be sure the environment is safe. And then they carefully set one foot in front of the other…
Maybe I am just scared emotionally. And I am now merely super cautious on when I am willing to expose my true self to others. Who wouldn’t be if they had a couple too many bad experiences doing it before?
Isn’t it sad that I feel that way?
Why can’t I give myself the permission to just be ME fully? And who is it that I am afraid of facing when I allow myself to be me?
Lately, I feel so much dumber and also less creative than I’ve ever been. Nothing seems to work, nothing seems to tick. I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside and I can’t see any way on how to slow down this process.
I just sit there and whiter away. What’s missing?
Maybe it’s time to take a break again…
A final break?
