Men don’t have any reason to grow up.
They could easily remain the little man-child they are, as life itself doesn’t force them to step up and adopt responsibility over their actions. Yes, they might suffer under the meaninglessness of their shallow and pleasure-seeking life if they don’t, but at least they don’t have to take ownership and bear the heavy burden of responsibility.
And why should they?
The Peter Pan syndrome is just too appealing. First, you’ll be a King, or at least you’ll feel like one. You are the ruler over Neverland, which is just as unreal and unmanifested as you are, but still is yours to toy and temper with. Second, you’ll be the leader of the Lost Boys, who ironically are even more delusional and stuck than you, given the fact that you lead this useless bunch.
Yes, you have all this unrealized potential within you, and you can fly, but you are also not grounded in anything real either. You keep telling yourself that at least you’ll never grow old and die, like all these other adults who have to share this terrible fate. And why would you even want to grow up? To become like Captain Hook, who’s your only reference of what adulthood might look like? An old grumpy tyrant who is constantly chased by Tick-Tock the Crocodile, symbolizing time, which already took his hand and at some point WILL get the rest of him too? No thanks!
So, of course, you then prefer to please your little ego by jerking off to this absurd and unreal fairy (tale) Tinkerbell, instead of actually working on getting into a real relationship with a normal, middle-class, conservative girl like Wendy. A girl who actually WANTS to grow up and have a family as she has accepted her mortality and decided to make the best out of it nonetheless. Even despite her limited time, she tries to squeeze as much unmanifested potential as possible into a meaningful life. And although she knows that the world might be a dark place filled with malevolence lurking around each corner, she rests assured that she might eventually grow (up) strong enough to confront and overcome it nonetheless.
Wendy, the women’s archetype in this old story, does what nature wants them to do. And Peter, the archetype for young men, highlights the question young men have to ask themselves at some point as well. They have to seriously consider WHY THEY WOULD EVEN WANT TO GROW UP. They have to find (and sometimes even create) good enough reasons for them on their own, and there’s no set-in-stone answer to it.
At some point, they’ll have to realize that there is nobody out there who could point them to where they need to go. They have to discover for themselves how they could apply themselves to the world and why it might even be worth it in the end as well. Men have to find out what type of responsibility they are willing to bear. And then bear it.
I tried for a long time to wrap my head around why most young men struggle with this. I wondered why you would even want to neglect the responsibility for your life? Don’t you rob yourself of all the power to steer it into a direction YOU want it to be heading? And don’t you also suffer from
But men tend to avoid bearing such heavy loads of duty and responsibility. And that’s a big problem for most women too as they so desperately try to help their men to manifest their greatest potential. But we have to look at the men’s options here as well:
We know that men are less agreeable than women. So, “convincing” a man by talking some sense into him doesn’t work. Quite the opposite happens most often. It will drive him even further away from reality and right back into his absurd fantasy lands. It will push him away from the responsibility in which he sees no sense in bearing. “Why should I do what you want me to? You can’t make me do your stupid-ass job! I’d rather have fun!”
And who could blame them? Even Peter Pan decided to remain in Neverland when all his Lost Boys joined Wendy and decided to grow up. They all returned to the real world, in which Wendy’s family then adopted and welcomed them with open arms. Peter, however, unwilling to do the same, remained in Neverland, and sadly watched Wendy as she ages and loses her ability to fly.
The key word here is SADLY. He feels remorse and sadness as he realizes the emptiness in the lifestyle he chose. The sadness symbolizes the meaninglessness this type of attitude imposes on men. And maybe this “feeling” is there for a reason too?
Couldn’t it be that the sense of emptiness young boys, who refuse to grow up, feel is nature’s way of initiating men? Maybe life itself is yelling right into their face: “LOOK AT YOU! YOU ARE USELESS! Easily hurt. Easily broken. Why should you have any self-respect? And why should anyone else?”
That’s a tough moment for most men. Because when these thoughts sink in, they also have to admit to themselves that the voice in their head is right. And so they are in for a rough awakening…
Because now they have to choose:
1) Do they try to suppress the voice as best as they can, as its undeniable truth seems unbearable and stops them from continuing their foolish imprudence? Which means more pleasure, more withdrawal, more isolation, more instant gratification, more, more, more… but never enough?
2) Or, do they eventually come to the conclusion that, yes, the voice might be right and they are indeed carelessly wasting their time with expedient occupations and toys, BUT that they are also fully capable of doing something about it and steering their life into whatever direction they choose.
By any luck, these men might even find a good enough reason to justify the inevitable hardship and suffering of growing up.
And then they do.
[Credit goes to Jordan B. Peterson, stumbled upon this lecture and decided to share it in written word since it resonates heavily with my personal experience as well!]
