On Finding Yourself

I went on a five week Yoga retreat to “find myself”. Before that, I escaped my “known and common world” for another two months in order to finally “discover myself”. I solo traveled to exotic places and distant locations just to recover the next piece in the puzzle that is my life. “Just give me the next hint!” Sadly, all these efforts didn’t work out at all…

I came home from all these adventures and searches and found nothing but more chaos.

Even if you are lucky enough to find ecstasy and abundance in your travels, you are soon challenged to find the same in your “default” environment. In your everyday life. In the place you left behind…

Wherever you go, there you are.

You are challenged to find solutions on how to find the same “feelings” you had in that exotic location. You have to find ways to enter the same positive mental states you had on that beach view apartment on that sunny and hot day you did nothing but surf, sunbath and talk to the happiest of strangers you ever met in your life.

Now you are challenged to find the same positivity in your default everyday life again. Now, you are challenged to apply it to the “real world”. You have to figure out ways to MAINTAIN these things for the long term. And not just for the one week in this 5-star all-inclusive hotel you booked for your annual holiday job escape.

Good luck with that!

If “finding yourself” is a challenge, applying your new found wisdom to a rigid system is even worse. Something will break. In the worst case (or best case?) it’s yourself. Or the image you have of yourself. Everything will crumble. And eventually be put together in a better way.

Another option would be to just never come back. One friend of mine once told me: “If your work requires you to go on a holiday to recover. Just go and never come back!”

But I guess not everyone is lucky enough to opt for this route. Or are they?

(What is holding you back?)

I spend so much time and effort into “finding myself” and “my purpose” that I am now just sick and tired of even looking anymore. I am not interested in “finding myself” anymore.

I’d rather stay “hidden”.

I’m fine.

Instead of finding myself, I’d prefer to “get lost” now. I prefer to disconnect from the world. To wander. And drift. Not in order to “find myself”. That’s bullshit anyways. I am right here. No need to search for anything.

“Where are my keys?!”

“Dude, you hold them in your hands…”

“No, I mean my keys, where are they!?”

This sounds just as stupid as “this search for yourself” is in real life.

I just can’t accept the fact that wherever I go I am. And wherever I am is totally fine. And right where I belong.

(“No, that can’t be it. There must be more!”)

Nope there is not. There is no need to search anymore. I am already found. I am complete. I am exactly where I am meant to be.

But my mind is not willing to accept that. It can’t be that easy?

There must be something else…

That’s why I prefer to get lost.

But it’s just a smart move to trick my brain. To convince myself that I FINALLY did it.

I lose myself first in order to find myself again.

(Pretty smart, hm?)

You can’t find anything before you lost it, right? And since my stupid mind is convinced that I am “not found” yet and incomplete in the way I am right now, I just lose myself first.

I drift off into the world. Where I know nobody. Where I feel isolated and alone. Somewhere where I am challenged to ground myself from within myself. Where I have to fall back to the stuff I can trust. My gut. My inner guidance. Myself.

(Some higher power maybe?)

And once I did that I suddenly realize that I am right there. I was there all the time. Right where I belong. I am enough. Everything is fine. Everything is OK.

I found myself.

I found my keys.

They’ve always been in my hands.

Right there within reach.

(I hope I won’t forget that again…)

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