Creating art is a funny thing.
But foremost… it’s hard.
I look at the blank screen and feel like there is nothing to say. “I have to fix myself first.”, I say to myself. How can I “create” something of value when there is so much chaos in my own life? How should I provide structure and clarity to others when there is none in my own mind?
Everyday I look at this blank screen with this annoying blinking cursor I feel like there is nothing within me that could provide any value to anyone out there. I have nothing to offer. I write and then I delete it again. Most of my work actually. Everyday I try to dig deeper and try to find something. Find a lucky piece somewhere. Something. Anything. Within me. But there is nothing. Nada. And even if: “That’s not good enough!” I feel empty. And useless.
So times passes.
But you sit through it. Because you learned that that’s the game you decided to play. Everyday you get tested. What are your priorities? Why are you doing the things you are doing? It’s like your “muse” is mocking you: “What is SO fucking important about that? Are you seriously serious about THIS stuff?!”
It’s funny though.
At first you begin to think about yourself. Everything evolves around YOU. About what troubles you. What interests you. What you feel is important. Everything is so much focused around yourself. Especially when your life is turned upside down. And there is chaos and pain. When life sucks, YOUR problems are the worst. Is this how it works? Plot twist: Maybe your life is so fucked up BECAUSE of the fact that you only focus about yourself? Hmm…
More time passes.
Still you didn’t get anywhere. Just some weird sentences which make no sense. Just random thoughts. No structure. No value. Who said I even need structure? I become frustrated. “I should be able to do this.“, I am repeating in my head making myself miserable. I am angry now. I am at a point where I would just love to delete it all again. Delete the post. Delete the blog. Drop it all. Forget about it. People will not like it anyways. Who cares? They don’t. I am sure. I know. It’s not good enough. Ah, why is everyone expecting so much from me?! What? Wait… isn’t the only person expecting so much… MYSELF? Hmm…
Even more time passes.
Creating “art” (in whatever shape or form) is a strange thing really. The whole process is fucked up. Creativity is weird too. It feels like a discovery. Or torture. Or like a journey with no destination. Depending on the day and the way you look at it. But foremost it’s a discovery.
Remember “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”? Now THAT is pure art. And you see how fucked up the whole plot and movie with all its funky characters is. But that’s how the process works. That’s the beauty. They just let it flow. You either take the journey or not. And it leads you wherever you allow it to take you.
“Wherever you ALLOW it to take you?” What do you mean by that? It’s not like I have to give my permission to be creative… do I? But what if all that is required is simply to NOT intervene? And intervening is what we tend to do best? I guess it can’t be that easy…
Or is this exactly the hard part? How could you even create “art” when you constrain yourself? When you keep yourself small. And not put your true self – the stuff that is within you – out there in the world to see. What if you never tap into these amazing resource somewhere buried within you? For example by feeling not good enough. Or useless. Or empty?
I guess then it gets harder…
The cool thing about ANY creative process is that you never know where it leads you. First you feel all focused about yourself. “What is in for ME? What will people say about ME once I show them?” You view your life through the small lens that is your world view. It’s limited. And therefore not fulfilling.
But then you go on a journey. You see things from different angles. You focus on others and adopt their way of doing things for a while. You see life through their perspective. You develop empathy. You broaden your horizons and discover that there is more. Way more. And you mix your own weird thoughts with other strange ones.
You then create weird and strange baby thoughts. Which freak you out at first.
Then they drive you crazy. Next you go insane.
And soon these new ideas in your head turn your “upside down life” upside down again.
But then you wonder: wouldn’t this make your world RIGHT again?
Art is a funny thing…