Someone once told me to not start posts with a question. He said “every question can be answered with a “NO” and therefore be rejected immediately. You lose the reader and it stops the ‘conversation’ right there.”
But it doesn’t matter.
I still love to ask questions.
“Who am I? And what the FUCK do I do with my life?”
Of course it’s a stupid question. But it provokes a funny dialog. In your head.
Your mind might start to race. And come up with all the superficial things you would consider to be YOU.
“I’m an app developer. I’m a coder. I’m a freaking genius. I am a complete mess. I am fucking loser.”
But what if most of the people confuse “THEIR LIFE” with “THEIR LIFE SITUATION”? Could this be possible?
“Don’t ask questions!”
Ah yeah, right.
But what if THESE are the questions that keep people awake at night? Or better yet. The answers to these questions. Or the lack of answers to these questions. When your mind goes on a rampage. And starts to become restless. That is what steals your sleep.
Did you know that 99% of your thoughts – day in, day out – are actually the same? They keep coming back. People don’t usually come up with new things a lot. Most of your thoughts are the same. They are running in circles. In your mind. All day long. Every day. The number could be wrong though. But does it matter? When was the last time you had a very UNIQUE thought?
Also, do you know the definition of madness? Or what it takes to be called “crazy”?
(Dammit! So many questions today…)
I have breakfast in a cafe. I move past the metro station to get there. And everyday a homeless lady sits there at a bench. I just have to look at her. I don’t want to do it. But I have to. She sits there. Alone. And talks. Like all the time.
“Great. Another crazy person!“ , I immediately think to myself. And then I feel terrible because I disrespected her.
But then I figure: why is SHE the crazy one? And not the guy next to her. Or me? Or all of us?
“Well stupid! Who is the one talking to NOBODY here all day long?! Are you serious?”
Yes, I know I should stop the silly questions. But I am curious. I want to know.
So: talking loudly in public when nobody is around listening to you is considered “being crazy”. It’s just absurd. Right?
Still. Just now when I called her “crazy”, I had at least 30 thoughts in my head. Am I crazy too now? Hmm…
Everyday. A shit load of thoughts. In my head. 99% of my thoughts in my head are repetitive too. They keep coming back. I try my best to control them. To focus on what IS and not what WAS or WILL BE. But it’s hard. When was actually the last time you didn’t think?
Well. But at least I am not crazy and talk them ALOUD right?
But what if craziness is then just a “volume issue”? It must be this way if any of all that is true. The simple fact that the old homeless lady communicates her thoughts by saying the words. And I don’t. It’s the only difference.
So I am a “silent crazy person” now?
I should stop the questions. This is getting me nowhere.
I still don’t know who I am.
Ok. One more. “What if you LOSE your profession. The thing you said that is you. Your answer to “Who am I?”. I am an app developer, remember? What if I stop doing that? Am I any less?”
“Of course not!”, you might say. It’s just a profession. Although not everyone might say that. Some people even identify with their profession. And their career. So what do I know…
(My favourite comedian Louis C.K. has an amazing bit on being sad and depressed. Go watch it!)
But whatever. So when it’s just a profession, how can it also be YOU? Shouldn’t YOU be more than your profession? And if it stops being your profession – which was YOU before – what is left?
When you are thinking a really clever thought, who is the one thinking the thought?
Are you the thought? Or the one thinking the thought? And if the thought disappears. Does the thinker as well?
Ah. That’s too complicated.
I’d better stop.
I don’t want to turn crazy.