I slowly begin to see a pattern here. I tend to randomly switch back and forth from “utterly confused”, “freaking out” and “AH, SCREW IT!” to “highly ambitious”, “feeling aligned with my purpose” and “on the right path”. Over the last couple of days I found myself in so many various emotional states, I can barely count them.
Besides riding this emotional rollercoaster I also tried to get some work done, but very little turned out to work the way I wanted it to. Very little seems to “click” at he moment (and these are the moments where I catch myself thinking more than often these annoying “AH, SCREW IT!” thoughts). I really considered going back to “normal” again. Just get a decent paying job, do your thing there and go home at 4pm, happy and accomplished. No more disturbing thoughts afterwards. You can leave everything at work and you get your peaceful sleep at night back once again. That sounds like a fun lifestyle to me, in comparison to my current daily routines. It sounds so much easier. I would not have to make this hard business decisions anymore. I would not have to think anymore, I can just take orders. That would be a relaxing twist of things. “Please can somebody just tell me what to do next?”
I just recently talked to a friend of mine about my situation and I said to her: “I really would like to have SOMEBODY who is like 10 years ahead of me, somebody who has been through ALL the chaos I find myself in at this very moment. Somebody who reassures me that I am on the right path and can tell me that in the end it will be all worth it. Somebody who can give me his word that everything will turn out just fine! Why can’t there be somebody like this around?”.
It was definitely not of my strongest moments. But I always find it somehow helpful to express my thoughts on my current issues to somebody, even if I don’t get any helpful advice (or any advice at all). Honestly, I even prefer them not to say anything at all. “Please just listen and wait till I figured it out myself!”. Somehow putting my thoughts out there, immediately has some “cleansing effect” on me. It’s like I mumble and whine for a while and things resolve themselves on their own later. The process of actually explaining my situation to somebody else helps me to understand things better myself as well. And oftentimes this is more than anything I could ask for in any given advice. But, at this very moment, I was just super happy she spared some minutes to listen to me and my weird problems.
After putting my thoughts out there, I drifted off and thought about my future. I projected myself years ahead and imagined what my life might look like ten years from now. Somebody once told me: “When you are clueless on how to solve a certain problem, project yourself into the future and work your way backwards. Then you will see how you have solved it.”. What a stupid advice! How should I know how I will resolve it? I can’t look into the future. But I guess this is not what he meant by saying that. If I look at my current struggles there is no chance I can think of and “simulate” a solution by going backwards (or else I would just do it by going forward, right?). But what I CAN do is I can look at my endgoal and check if the general direction of my daily actions point towards it or not. Am I still on course? Will the actions I take each day bring me at least a tiny bit closer to my vision, or do they pull me further away from it? When I continue to take the daily steps which take me closer to my goal, isn’t it inevitable to reach my endgoal sooner or later? As long as I am going towards the right direction, isn’t that all the reassurance I need?
I snapped back and found myself sitting across my friend again. Then she said: “Well, if you don’t have such a person around you yet, you have to be this kind of person yourself.”
Hmm, I guess she is right.